Napalm Justice!

Like most stories where I lose my temper, this one starts off with me behaving myself. I was about to perform at the second stage of the night, a monthly open-mic that normally focuses on unplugged musicians, but this time had decided to book a friend of mine, Olek Szewczyk, in a half-hour feature spot. A few of the other locals had decided to head down with him, why just have one comedian, when you can have four? I managed to bully myself into the choice third slot behind my friend, and waited to go on stage.

The first act was this young musician, a pretty girl with a short skirt and an entrancing voice. Our little sidekick Sam was immediately twitterpated, Olek appropriately said something inappropriate, and I cynically tried to calculate how long it would take for her dreams to get crushed*. Olek eventually took the stage and awkwardly made his way through the first 25 minutes of his set.

Awkward is his specialty

It was a loud room of drunks in an indie bar, but the front several tables were paying attention and I thought he was doing an excellent job. He had just cracked a joke about having only five minutes left and had started on his closing bit, explaining an awkward conversation he had with his mother over her love of a vampire television show. It's not a filthy bit, I've heard worse on network television, and he was only two minutes into it when I heard this voice pipe up from behind me.

"Time to go," it was an older woman middle aged from the sound of it, and I assumed she was talking to a loud, drunk person behind us when she repeated herself. And then again. And again. It was on the fifth or so repeat, and when she had moved to stand almost immediately behind me, when the audience and Olek all suddenly realized that she was talking to him.

"Time to go." She was trying to use her Mom voice on him. At first I smirked, my traditional face for mocking people, in expectation of Olek's reply. What I did not realize at the time was this was the first time he had ever dealt with this situation before. Normally the rooms we play in are more under our control, I had just chased out an entire table of drunks at the previous room a couple of hours earlier when my MC decided he should just ignore them (I walked up, took the microphone away from him, and announced loud and clear the traditional mantra of every MC, 'sit down, shut up, have fun')**. Olek handled it quite well, allowing her to fully make an ass of herself, culminating in her demanding everyone to raise their hands who wanted Olek to get off the stage. Nobody did, he said something sarcastic, and we all stared at her as she backed down and went back to sit at the bar. I barely stopped myself from telling her what a bitch she was, somehow forcing myself to mumble it so as not to disrupt the show.

It was at this point that the girl running the show asked me if a musical duo could go up real quick because their specific audience had to leave. Of course I agreed and I watched Olek rally and finish on a high note. We all applauded and Olek came down to sit next to me. While the musical act, I never caught their name, spent the next ten minutes getting ready, Olek and I got into a discussion about whether or not he should apologize to his heckler.

"Fuck her," I told him. "Selfish people like her, who feel so self-important that they think a bar full of people literally half their age are as easily offended as they are, and are then subsequently bitchy enough about it to stand up and yell at someone who is almost finished with their act, only thrive because people are passive-aggressive in how they treat them." He decided to go and talk to her anyway, like a damn rookie, while I considered more permanent solutions to hecklers in general.

Nothing gets your point across like immediate violence

On a normal night this is where it would have left off; I would quietly judge Olek for capitulating with terrorists, which is exactly what I told him he was doing, while I distracted myself with my surroundings and desperately tried to enjoy the "music" from the stage.

But it didn't go that way or I wouldn't be writing about it.

It turns out the heckler was the reason I got bumped, specifically because she couldn't be bothered to sit through anybody else, and she honestly expected the rest of us to bend before her will. And that's when my switch flipped. You see, I am the stereotypical redhead when it comes to short fuses; I have exactly 15% of the average persons patience, especially when I'm completely sober, and my life is a series of struggles against my own impulses to stab random offenders in the neck with nearby utensils and writing implements. In the 3rd grade I threw over my desk and chucked all of my books at the teacher, when I was eleven I hit a neighborhood kid in the face with a rock because I heard he was bullying one of my younger siblings. I've matured as I've grown, but that seething anger at pretty much everything sometimes still looks out at the world and wants to watch it burn, especially when I'm on stage, which is probably why I almost never get heckled myself, ever.

Give this man some rum and/or a gun. SOLUTIONS!

Needless to say I, as I sat there and watched the burnt-out middle aged half of the musical act ramble on about how 'everything is just a dream, man', in between bad cover songs that the unnecessarily attractive daughter of our heckler could never remember the lines to, I just kept getting more and more upset. By the time it was finally my turn to get a microphone, I had no less than three minutes of specific and accurate observations on her and why she should hurry up and die already.

And it felt good. It felt good in the way that it always feels good to be justifiably angry***. I locked eyes with my prey and I told the whole room how I felt about her. She was already in a hurry to leave, but after I dedicated my set to her and started telling the most offensive jokes at my disposal, she couldn't flee fast enough. I felt like an anti-body protecting the host from disease and it took my entire set to another level.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I have to admit that for a moment I almost checked myself. After the second sentence the girl running the show went up to the heckler and started to apologize but, immediately after, the sound guy stood up and started to applaud when I explained how disrespectful she was being and the entire audience agreed with me, so I barreled on. And here's the thing, I'd do it again. Not necessarily to defend another comedian, he's since sobered up and regretted his apology, but because selfish people like that need angry people like me to keep them in line. We all secretly want the douche bags of this world to get punched in face, some of us were just born to help that happen.




*- Considering how cheerful her voice was when I complimented her on the way out of the bar, I cut my estimate in half.

**- Yes, exactly 'like a boss'.

***- Justification sold separately, not valid in all 50 states, use with care.

Dear Pastor Mike...

 Someone in the Idaho Atheist group on Facebook posted a link to this -

Pastor Mike wants us to set up a national registry for Atheists

Go ahead, read it and then ask yourself why so many of us are against religion. The comment section is locked out, so I decided to write him an email and then post it to my blog. If he responds, which I doubt, I'll keep you posted. First off here's his picture.

The face of brotherly love.

I put in on here for INFORMATION purposes only. It's important that rational people know who wants to put them into internment camps (allegedly).


Here's the email:


Hello Pastor Mike,

First off, it is certainly not my intention to offend. As a twenty year Christian I have some insight into the way that Christians generally feel towards us atheists but, after reading your blog about the registry, I just have some questions for you if you have a moment to spend. 

Q1) Considering the subject matter of Matt. 23 (Jesus yelling at religious leaders for their hypocrisy), it seemed odd to me that you quoted verse 33 and directed it towards non-believers. Was this a mistake on your part or was it intentional because it fit the tone you were going for?

Q2) Considering that Atheists are one of the most mistrusted, slandered, and ostracized group in America, and especially because of the fact that less than one percent of convicted felons are atheists, isn't it grossly unfair to compare us to ex-convicts and sex offenders who are almost universally Christian?

Q3) Statistically less crimes are committed by Atheists, we don't proselytize, and we are completely indistinguishable from 'normal' Americans, so how long do you think it would take for your hypothetical registry to turn into a witch hunt or to force your fellow Christians into McCarthy like levels of paranoia?

Q4) Speaking of Communism. Your picture suggesting that a lack of religion will lead to a communist state is humorous, let me tell you, would it be okay if I make a similar poster suggesting that a Christian state will lead to Nazis?

Q5) Do you actually misunderstand what Atheism means, or do you intentionally label it as a religion because it fits your agenda? If Atheism is a religion, is bald a hair color and is silence a type of music?

Q6) Would it be possible to sign up for your registry? If your flock is anything like you, i.e. the opposite of everything that Jesus taught about how to treat unbelievers, I would hate to have them come to one of my comedy shows and accidentally have a good time fueled by Satan.


Full disclosure: I am posting this email and any ensuing conversation that I doubt we'll have to my blog at beardedatheist.blogspot.com  Thank you so much for your time, I hope you have a wonderful day.

-Mikey

How to be a good 'open-micer'

 

This is specific for the Boise, Idaho comedy scene, but some rules are universal.

First off, what is an open-micer? An open-micer is someone in the comedy equivalent of little league,  someone who either is too new or not good enough to perform in anything other than at an open-mic. In some cities, like Boise, comedy clubs are infrequent citizens, so open-mics might be the only opportunity that you have to perform at all. There's no shame in it, the funniest stand-up comics in the world have all had to start somewhere, and even experienced comics will come out and play with the rest of us from time to time.

There is no average open-mic. If you're lucky, the local comedy club will run a room a few times a month for you, but you might have to start out at a coffee shop going up on stage between a slam poet and a musical act; the rules, however, are pretty much the same:

#1 - Show up. Show up early and show up often. Most open-mics have sign-up times and lists; many don't put the set order together until right before the show starts but, either way, make sure you are there. Open-mics are like gyms to athletes, and if you don't work out your comedy muscles, don't be surprised when you get all soft; even experienced comics need stage time to resharpen their skills once they've taken some time off. If you show up late, don't be shocked if you don't get on stage. We live in the modern world now and if you can't find some way to communicate that you might be getting off work late, the world is going to blame you for it.

#2 - Be prepared. It would be nice to be talented and awesome enough to be hilarious every minute on stage without having to think or do anything about it. If you are already that good, what the hell are you stealing someone else's stage time for? For most us, there is an entire process that goes into writing and performing a joke and, if you don't have that process down yet, you should figure one out. Most open-mics are pretty lax about performers bringing up a setlist to work out some new material, but you're going to be a lot more confident and more funny, if you're 'off book'.

#3 - Be funny. The audience is expecting to laugh. The general rule of thumb with setlists is to close with your best joke and to open with your second best joke. The audience is doing you the favor of letting you work out new material, but make sure to keep a couple of good jokes at the ready just in case you falter, your new bits don't go over well, or the guy in front of you really sucks and they need to be roped back into the show.

#4 - Write more jokes. The biggest enemy is always complacency. During a recent interview, Louis C.K. said that the only way for a comedian to get any better is to throw away all of his old material, otherwise you'll be tempted to fall back on it. I do it, hell, every comic is tempted to fall back on the old material instead of going through all the work of putting some new stuff together. The only way for you to achieve any of your goals as a comedian, even if it's just making the same audience laugh over and over again, is to bring something fresh to the table. The best comics write every single day, either new stuff or fixing the old stuff. Either way, this is one of the best ways to get better.

#5 - Don't be an Asshole. Showing up drunk, being wasted on stage, yelling at the staff, not tipping your waitress; all of these offensives are observed and opinions are made by your peers and the audience. You could be the funniest comic in the world but, if nobody likes you, nobody wants you around. Comedians by nature can be very contrarian and confrontational, but be as charming as possible. If possible, tip the staff extra. You'd be surprised how much the opinion of the staff can change the atmosphere at an open-mic. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink. Most open-mics have a specified time they expect you to be on stage, don't go over that time. At all. Comedy Clubs and open-mics in Boise usually use a light to let you know when your time is almost up, make sure to look for it. Ignoring the light is the second most common reasons why some comedians disappear after a show and are never heard from again. Every minute you go over your time, I have a new fantasy about where I want to stick an icepick.

#6 - You don't deserve anything. Odds are you're only half as funny as you think that you are. If you're like everybody else on this planet (protip: you are), you grossly overestimate your own abilities and only listen to opinions that validate what you want to believe. You should be thankful that someone has put together a location and audience for you to perform in front of. If you don't like how something is run, you are always free to experience the headache of organizing and managing your own room but, trust me on this one, it's a shitty job. Remember this the next time you want to bitch about how quiet the audience is at this location, or where the room wants the comics to sit while waiting to go on stage. Even headliners in comedy clubs are frequently forced to sit in green rooms during the show and sometimes aren't even allowed to talk to the staff. Always be respectful of the other performers, the audience, and the staff, and especially to the person hosting/managing the show. The biggest headache of my week is working with my fellow comedians, and every time someone complains about their placing in the show or how much time they get that night, I get one inch closer to shutting the room down entirely.

#7 - Be supportive. The audience that comes to an open-mic can be a fickle thing. It can take months to build a regular audience, and you still will have shows where only three people show up. If you are genuinely interested in working on your craft as a stand-up comedian, this is an excellent time to learn how to market yourself. In some places you aren't even allowed on stage until you bring in three people, and no bar is going to keep a room available unless there's people there buying drinks. It is in everyone's best interest to do everything you can to keep that stage available. In one instance, my then girlfriend, a fellow comic, and I spent three hours in the summer heat passing out flyers we made on our own to get less than a handful of people to come to an open-mic at our local comedy club, but at least we had someone to perform in front of that night. If you are a smoker performing at a non-smoking show, but only come inside for your set, you get your own level of hell where midgets spend eternity poking you in the legs with sharp sticks.

#8 - Have a good time. Stand-up comedy is entertainment, it's about escaping your crappy job and watching someone who can make you laugh. YOU ARE SURROUNDED BY FUNNY PEOPLE. If the audience is nervous because the show is in the daytime for some reason and they can see themselves laugh, if the last six comics completely bombed and the MC is drunk and messed up your name, if you are brought on stage immediately after a tear-jerking speech at a benefit show for premature babies (this happened to me), walk up to that microphone and have a good time. Comics who are enjoying themselves are ten times funnier and twice as likely to get laid after the show*. If you suck at every other thing on this list, do this last one. Life is a mess and the good parts are too short, so the next time we're standing next to each other and I'm handing you the microphone after ordering the audience to clap for you, try to remember that for the next several minutes you get to be a comedian, and that's one of the coolest jobs in the world.


* - Results may vary based upon attractiveness of comedian.

Soviets in space...also, crippling depression...IN SPACE.

50 years ago today, Yuri Alekseyevich Gargarin was flying through space; the first of a lucky percentage of us to sail through the upper atmosphere with little more than hopes and calculators. And, like most children growing up in the States, I believed that I too could one day grow up to join them.

The world is a cruel place.

A couple of days ago I noticed that one of my Facebook friends was experiencing some trouble dealing with certain aspects of our reality, the shitty parts mostly, and that an older woman, probably family, was trying to console her with that positive thinking pablum. I left some stupid comment about how inside this eggshell of our existence is a loneliness that never sleeps, ending it with some joke about how the universe is made out of rainbows and candy, but that juxtaposition started the ol' wheels to turn. Because the world really IS made out of rainbows and candy, as well as tsunamis, radiation leaks, and African Rape Camps.

Maybe positive thinking is an excellent survival mechanism for the psyche. Not 'The Secret' kind of positive thinking, where if you hope for things hard enough they just happen (If I wanted to do that, I'd still be praying), but the kind of thinking where we retrain ourselves to notice but not to let into our hearts the emptiness that surrounds all of us at all times out into eternity forever. Sorry, I'm new at this.

Maybe I should stop selfishly building resentments until my relationships are carved out, maybe I should stop pouring over article after article after article of things that are fascinating but do not help in keeping things bright and shiny.

But wait... WE WENT INTO SPACE PEOPLE! And it certainly wasn't an easy journey for all of us. But we did it, and we didn't do it by positive thinking. Like that last, horrible link, illustrates; we, as a species, can do nearly anything with enough expenditure of energy, time, and blood

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Maybe that's a part of growing up; realizing that most dreams do not come true, that there really are monsters walking the streets at night and that they look just like you and me. But still, the universe is full of rainbows and candy, foot-rubs and beer and bacon. It may never be all the things I want it to be, and maybe my life has helped me be a little bit of a curmudgeon at times*, but if I can't learn to enjoy the moments I am lucky enough to have, why am I still here at all? I guess life is mostly about balance.


Meanwhile, in reality, I'm about to head downtown to plan for our next game-show with a good friend. Maybe life is learning not to bitch too much about what you can't control. Figures.




* - Over 90% #notmeanttobefactual

Homeschooling with Uncle Mikey

I performed this last night as part of my sketch group Tired Heroes, on the Not Too Late Show. Extra writing credit goes to members Kyle Mann and Weseley Hanna.

Welcome to Homeschooling with Uncle Mikey.

Today’s lesson is a primary on Evolution and Creationism. It is my view that both sides of every subject should be taught, which is why later we’ll be covering  Flat Earth theory, astrology, and the fact that diseases are caused by the voodoo priestess who lives down the street .

Evolution is taught by scientists and universities while creationism is mostly taught by the same people who think that there is a pitchfork wielding demon who has nothing better to do than to trick you into eating all of the cake.

Scientists mostly believe that everything spontaneously came from nothing, while creationists add an invisible someone who does it for unknown reasons. This someone is typically accepted to be God who used magic words to make reality appear. According to creationists God knows all and made everything, so back hair, polio and midgets are all just part of his master plan.

Evolution on the other hand works differently. Evolution is merely the belief that every living thing does the best it can to adjust to the world it lives in, those that do well have more children just like them, which doesn’t explain why there’s so many poor people, be they Irish or Mexicans.

Both theories are given equal play by the media, despite the fact that there is a greater percentage of historians who deny the holocaust than people with doctorates in the life sciences who don’t treat evolution as pretty much fact, easily helping to explain why our students test below average internationally in science. At this rate the media might soon start asking the fire its point of view after it burns down your house. The Media: helping to confuse the issues since 1846.

That being said, both sides do have their evidence. Scientists point to the fossil record as proof of the increasing diversification of similar yet complex organisms gradually changing over a great deal of time. And, while some creationists state the fossil record, like masturbation, only exists to test our faith, others find it easier to believe that God merely fucked up the first time, so he decided to drown the entire world and had a 600 year old man gather two of every animal so they could roomie in a giant, wooden boat for a couple of months, only to be let out to incestuously fornicate for a few thousand years until we get Fox news. It was this flood, apparently, that left all the bones; which makes perfect sense, considering all the fossils left by hurricane Katrina.

Instead of gathering data, Creationists spend most of their time trying to disprove evolution, magic being especially hard to prove since it happened 6000 years ago, about four thousand years after Stonehenge was built.

Some Creationists say that humans couldn’t possibly have evolved from monkeys, as you never see monkeys evolving today, adding ‘when was the last time you saw a monkey smoking a cigar, learning to speak sign language, or running for President?’  Creationists also doubt the age of the Universe necessary for science to explain it, about 14 billion years, sarcastically wondering how scientists can split the atom, clone sheep, and create the IPad, yet can be so wrong about how old everything is. 14 Billion years seems more reasonable to me, seeing as it’s going to take more than 6000 years to finish the Boise Hole.

Many Scientists point to bacteria evolving in response to antibiotics as proof of evolution, but some Creationists would argue that’s really just people getting what they deserve after ignoring God’s will and fighting the disease.

Evolutionists would also remind us that Chickens have genes in their DNA for making teeth, Whales have ones for legs, and Humans have genes for tails including the vertebrae. While Creationists would remind us that this is the way God wanted it. You see, God must have had extra genes lying around and didn’t want to waste any.

Finally, Creationists would ask us, ‘Who are you going to believe? Our almighty Father, who created heaven and earth in his infinite wisdom or scientists who think that aids is caused by “sex” and not by sins against God. Scientists, who believe that global warming is made worse by man and cow farts, or an omnipotent deity who finds it acceptable for Father Riley to keep touching your children?

The debate rages on, in the mind of Creationists, meanwhile the rest of us should continue to use the new antibiotics developed by real scientists and we should all remember that, unlike men, not all arguments are created equal.

I am Uncle Mikey, and class is dismissed.

How To Get Bad Service In A Restaurant

We've all been there before. You're just sitting there with some useless money in your bank account so you decide to take out your mate/buddies/family to some glorified feeding trough, but when you get there you decide to minimize your experience as much as possible to justify the foul personality that everyone already knows you for. Well how do you do that? With this nifty guide, that's how!


1.) The Arrival
First, make sure to show up as the same time as everyone else. Restaurants are predictably busy at specific times, so make sure to get there exactly 15 minutes after the rush starts so you have to wait the maximum time possible. Throw the poor teenage hostess some flack for not having an infinite number of tables to seat everyone at just to make sure there's a small chance she'll forget your name on the list all together. This is your first chance to act self-important and to pretend you're the only person there and should be sat immediately. If you arrive during an event, say at a big football game at a sports bar, it's advisable to get visibly upset when you're informed that there's a three hour wait. Feel free to walk through the bar in an attempt to find that one place for two people that the other 30 people waiting along the wall somehow missed. After all, you're smarter than those idiots, right? If you like, force yourself on someone else too polite to stop you and just sit with them, or just steal one of their chairs. You are so cash.


2.) Getting a Table

Let's say you do happen to get there at a decent hour or happen to luck into a table because of your obvious importance, make sure to complain about where the table is located or, alternatively, just sit yourself. It's especially useful if you find the one seat in the entire restaurant hidden behind a bush or something so that there's only a 5% chance someone will notice you. Completely ignore the fact that you ignored the sign saying 'please wait to be seated' and blame them for not seeing you there. If it does take longer than 5 seconds for your server to greet you, tell them you've been waiting fifteen minutes. They won't care, but it establishes dominance right out of the gate, and this is very important. The second thing out of your mouth should be some complaint about the temperature or the music. Despite the fact that it's intentionally loud or chilly most of the time so you WON'T be too comfortable, there's probably a good chance that every employee you meet has access to the thermostat and can turn it up the one degree that you need it to be.


3.) Ordering Drinks

First make sure to interrupt the server right away so they don't get to finish their required speech about today's specials. If you're ordering a beer make sure to have everyone at your table individually ask what beers they have. Reading a beer list takes less time, sure, but reading is hard and you have more important things to do. If the restaurant has coke, want pepsi, and complain about it. If they really wanted to make you happy, they'd have anticipated your desires and had both put it. Expect all drinks, especially blended ones to be back at the table in less than 90 seconds. Despite the fact that there is only one blender in the entire building, and maybe even only one bartender making all the drinks, there is no reason why it should take longer than pouring a coke. Also make sure to complain about the strength of the drink. This is especially important in chain restaurants where the staff has absolutely no control over how much alcohol went into your appletini. It's called a recipe, but they should ignore it for you.


4.) Ordering Food.

Don't read your menu, don't even open it. Just interrupt the person ordering that's sitting next to you to and force the server tell you what they have. Ask for something rare and get miffed at them for not making it available immediately, and every place on earth offers free bread sticks now, so just expect those to be available too. Always ask your server if something tastes good. Taste might be entirely subjective, but your palate is the standard and they should already know what you like. If the server lists off the available sides to every person before he/she gets to you, make sure they have to do it again because you were to busy thinking about how awesome you are to pay any attention to it. If your server happens to be well trained and is repeating orders back to people, ignore whatever comes out of their mouth. It's their fault if they didn't hear the words you half mumbled while avoiding eye contact and, despite the fact that what they repeat to you is exactly what you'll be getting, it's their responsibility to know it's wrong, communicating is for schmucks.



5.) Before The Meal.

Most burgers take 8 minutes to make, steaks and ribs usually a lot longer, so there's no reason to wait longer than five minutes during your lunch break for the steak and rib combo (well done of course!). The busier the restaurant is, the faster the kitchen should be, that's just science. Also expect the kitchen to stop everything they are doing to make your food immediately. You are the only important person in here for very obvious reasons. If you have a soda, try to drink them faster than they can be refilled. Your server has nothing better to do than to pour Mr Pibb down your gullet like they're filling up an oil tanker. Make sure to interrupt your server at least once while they are talking to another table, do it by touching them and speaking VERY LOUDLY to make sure they hear you. It's not rude if it's about you.


6.) Getting Your Food

Odds are in the modern restaurant that it won't be your server bringing you your food. It's about business efficiency, but that's less important than you being treated like royalty, so blame them for that too. When your food does finally make it to your table, do not under any circumstances pay any attention to the person handing out the food, just keep talking. If it's the type of place that has many similar items, say a burger joint or a wing place, just accept the first thing that would resemble what you ordered in the dark and complain later that you didn't get the right thing. Also make sure to east a substantial portion of your buddies food before you notice that you ordered a salad instead of a fajita so they have to make a new one from scratch. If you needed anything special for your meal, say an extra plate or lots of extra sauce, NOW is the time to mention this instead of when you ordered everything else. The more you make the staff work, the better they'll feel about earning their poverty level wages.


7.) Eating

Pigs are majestic animals who wallow in their own filth and have 30 minute orgasms, try to channel this while you eat. If you have children they should have been able to cover everything within seven feet of your table in a nice film of crayon shavings and fries by time you leave, this is a good chance for them to express their creativity by seeing how many different things they can spill during their meal. They don't need to use the children's lids every place provides these days, your kids are special. Continue huffing soda like it'll heal the whole daddy left in your heart and expect every drink to be bottomless just because it's free.


8.) Afterward And Extra Credit

If you haven't snapped at your server to get their attention, or waved them over when they were obviously heading directly at you, you aren't trying very hard. If there are people waiting to eat after you, make sure to double the time you use this table to have the same conversation you could have had back home. Remember, you are the only important person here and should get to use all the resources you want for as long as you want because this is America damn it! Your daddy didn't avoid the draft so other people could use the same things you just used. Make sure to touch your server whenever possible, condescendingly or flirtatiously is best, and be offended if they step away from you every time you blast your highly flavorful breath right into their face.


9.)The Check

When the check does arrive, make it as uncomfortable for everyone as possible. Get into an argument with each other like schoolchildren and then demand that the server listen to only one of you when it comes to who gets to pay. Everybody likes to be involved in family arguments, especially if they don't know you very well, get extra offended if he lets your better dressed brother pick up the check. If you need the check split, when it is dropped off should be the first time you mention it. Don't do it easily either, make sure that it is in the most convoluted, backwards way possible with people buying each meals for each other. Always contest at least one thing on your bill. If you ordered 12 beers, say you only drank 8. Despite the fact that this person has done this literally thousands of times more often than you have, and you are kinda drunk, your logic is always superior. If you don't remember drinking it, than you didn't drink it. Also, expect things to be the same price they were 20 or 50 years ago. Once something used to cost 3 bucks, it always stays that price.


10.) The Tip

For extra points make sure to mention the tip at the beginning of your meal. Nothing motivates somebody more than knowing that you are the sole arbiter of their financial security. No matter what you leave, you are a generous soul and they should be happy with it. If you spend five hours watching a game and spent only twenty bucks on soda and appetizers, 4 bucks is plenty to compensate them for the 273 soda refills you drank and for taking up their time. Despite the fact that reciprocation is the foundation of every functioning society, the amount of work that they put in should have no bearing on the amount you leave. If the kitchen screws something up, make sure to pay the server less. If it's too cold, leave less money. If your children are cranky, leave less money and a bigger mess for them to clean. Everything beyond the control of your server should impact their income. If you don't bring enough money, a handshake and a compliment will pay the heating bills for their family. If only more people were sensitive like you.

And lastly, if after all of this you still get good service from somebody, do not, under any circumstances, ask for that person again when you come back. After all, you'll almost never get bad service in a restaurant if all you do is act reasonable...

The First Hypocritical Church of Christ

I am a huge fan of satire, I've actually exhausted the category on stumbleupon several times. The Onion, Betty Bowers, Landover Baptist Church and several youtube channels are frequent lurking grounds for me on the interwebs, and that pales in comparison to my religious devotion (irony noted) to The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. I'm certainly not the only person on the internet consuming sarcasm and the like, devouring laconic ironies for breakfast, sardonic videos for lunch. One of my most popular stand-up jokes involves lampooning racists, something nearly everybody gets behind, so it shouldn't be too surprising that I started a satirical facebook group called The First Hypocritital Church of Christ. It's obviously satire, isn't it? I mean, isn't it?
 
I've thought of making it bigger and having a web-site designed, selling some t-shirts, making some videos, all poking fun of the obviously hypocritical things that are pervasive in our culture (Also, daddy has bills to pay and needs constant attention). But before I move forward on that I really need to find out why average Christians find it so offensive. I'll admit I didn't think it through all the way and added pretty much my entire friend's list without thinking on whether or not they'd be offended, and I certainly won't blame facebook for letting just anybody add you to any group without your permission (Although in light of this they should probably change it before some bored miscreant puts everyone they know in a group called 'rapists and thieves), but it is interesting how people get so defensive about the groups they belong to without thinking about it.

I wonder if there's a way to phrase it to dull the emotional reaction without losing the edge that makes it funny. It's not my intent to insult people, well not most people, but to really point out how irritating hypocrisy is. For example, is there anything more Christ-like than to sell everything you have and give it to the poor (Matt 19:21) or taking care of the sick (Matt 25:36)? Yet how many 'religious' people are against universal health care or social programs to help the needy? How many religious leaders have to molest children before there is a real outcry of the people? Why do we condemn children confused about their sexuality in a culture with more mixed messages on the subject than clarity to the point where they lose so much hope that they take their own lives? I may not believe in the divinity of Jesus, but if the words in his book are a true reflection of his personality as a man, I'm pretty sure I can extrapolate how he'd feel about it (hint: not good). Even his Father hates hypocrisy (Job 13:16) to the point where they don't even get into heaven...

We are all hypocrites. None of us lives up to our own ideals, few of us are innocent of driving in the same ways that enrage us, and even David, the man after god's own heart, had a man killed so he could steal his wife. Yet it's not God's forgiveness that's important, it's each others. It is the forgiveness of your neighbor's faults that we all share, more or less each in their part, that makes a society strong. I try to do my best daily and I try specifically to be a douche as little as possible, just like most of  us, but what irks me is the person who stands up and loudly proclaims what they believe and then openly does the opposite. And if it offends you that they are the subject of my ridicule, than I guess you just don't get it.