Saturday, December 11, 2010

Homeschooling with Uncle Mikey

I performed this last night as part of my sketch group Tired Heroes, on the Not Too Late Show. Extra writing credit goes to members Kyle Mann and Weseley Hanna.

Welcome to Homeschooling with Uncle Mikey.
Today’s lesson is a primary on Evolution and Creationism. It is my view that both sides of every subject should be taught, which is why later we’ll be covering  Flat Earth theory, astrology, and the fact that diseases are caused by the voodoo priestess who lives down the street .
Evolution is taught by scientists and universities while creationism is mostly taught by the same people who think that there is a pitchfork wielding demon who has nothing better to do than to trick you into eating all of the cake.
Scientists mostly believe that everything spontaneously came from nothing, while creationists add an invisible someone who does it for unknown reasons. This someone is typically accepted to be God who used magic words to make reality appear. According to creationists God knows all and made everything, so back hair, polio and midgets are all just part of his master plan.
Evolution on the other hand works differently. Evolution is merely the belief that every living thing does the best it can to adjust to the world it lives in, those that do well have more children just like them, which doesn’t explain why there’s so many poor people, be they Irish or Mexicans.
Both theories are given equal play by the media, despite the fact that there is a greater percentage of historians who deny the holocaust than people with doctorates in the life sciences who don’t treat evolution as pretty much fact, easily helping to explain why our students test below average internationally in science. At this rate the media might soon start asking the fire its point of view after it burns down your house. The Media: helping to confuse the issues since 1846.
That being said, both sides do have their evidence. Scientists point to the fossil record as proof of the increasing diversification of similar yet complex organisms gradually changing over a great deal of time. And, while some creationists state the fossil record, like masturbation, only exists to test our faith, others find it easier to believe that God merely fucked up the first time, so he decided to drown the entire world and had a 600 year old man gather two of every animal so they could roomie in a giant, wooden boat for a couple of months, only to be let out to incestuously fornicate for a few thousand years until we get Fox news. It was this flood, apparently, that left all the bones; which makes perfect sense, considering all the fossils left by hurricane Katrina.
Instead of gathering data, Creationists spend most of their time trying to disprove evolution, magic being especially hard to prove since it happened 6000 years ago, about four thousand years after Stonehenge was built.
Some Creationists say that humans couldn’t possibly have evolved from monkeys, as you never see monkeys evolving today, adding ‘when was the last time you saw a monkey smoking a cigar, learning to speak sign language, or running for President?’  Creationists also doubt the age of the Universe necessary for science to explain it, about 14 billion years, sarcastically wondering how scientists can split the atom, clone sheep, and create the IPad, yet can be so wrong about how old everything is. 14 Billion years seems more reasonable to me, seeing as it’s going to take more than 6000 years to finish the Boise Hole.
Many Scientists point to bacteria evolving in response to antibiotics as proof of evolution, but some Creationists would argue that’s really just people getting what they deserve after ignoring God’s will and fighting the disease.
Evolutionists would also remind us that Chickens have genes in their DNA for making teeth, Whales have ones for legs, and Humans have genes for tails including the vertebrae. While Creationists would remind us that this is the way God wanted it. You see, God must have had extra genes lying around and didn’t want to waste any.
Finally, Creationists would ask us, ‘Who are you going to believe? Our almighty Father, who created heaven and earth in his infinite wisdom or scientists who think that aids is caused by “sex” and not by sins against God. Scientists, who believe that global warming is made worse by man and cow farts, or an omnipotent deity who finds it acceptable for Father Riley to keep touching your children?
The debate rages on, in the mind of Creationists, meanwhile the rest of us should continue to use the new antibiotics developed by real scientists and we should all remember that, unlike men, not all arguments are created equal.
I am Uncle Mikey, and class is dismissed.