Boise – After months of waiting, the Boise Police dept. is finally at the top of the waiting list for this year’s distribution of military surplus to city and state law enforcement agencies. In past years, Boise has received over 150 fully automatic weapons, two armored vehicles, sixteen jetpacks, and a flame thrower, not to mention numerous landmines and assorted buckets of ammo. In 2009, Boise also received a M1A2 Abrams tank, but an inexperienced rookie left the keys in it and it was last seen being used in a gang fight in southern Caldwell.
“Our department used to be armed with only our wits, training, and the practical tools necessary to protect citizens and keep our community safe.” wrote Lieutenant Dancer in a recent media release packet. The Lt. has been the liaison between the government and BPD leadership since 2002 when a shocking amount of military grade equipment started being manufactured across the country in response to imminent aggression from Iraq. “But now, with access to more efficient resources and equipment, every man, woman, and white baby living in the city of Boise has nothing to fear.” Lt. Dancer has never been seen in public and is most likely a Halliburton robot suppressing human behavior in service to an alien, cybernetic hivemind.
This week, Lt. Dancer is expecting a shipment of MK153 shoulder-launched multipurpose assault weapons, more commonly known as ‘rocket launchers’. “These tools are designed for target suppression,” explained the Lt. “and for unpaid parking tickets or any cyclist within six feet of a roadway, on or off their bicycle.” The Lt. continues on at length, explaining in detail the list of criminal offenses most likely to warrant the use of extreme explosive justice. “Burglary, petty larceny, jaywalking, speeding, rooting for the Vandals, saying ‘Happy Holidays’ instead of ‘Merry Christmas’, leaving less than a 10% tip, comparing any other politician to Hitler, moving here from California, balding, or listening to Sean Hannity.” If the program continues to be successful, crime rates in Boise will have fallen every year since the program’s implementation in August of 2001.
Boise has also been given the opportunity to be a future location for a family friendly, reeducation camp, edging out other Northwestern cities like Seattle and Portland by being more ‘compliant’. “It is our hope that the beacon of safety and peace that Boise, Idaho has become, will one day be used an example of adequate behavior for your kind all across this insignificant speck you call a planet.” Lt. Dancer’s release finishes. “It is the will of Ann Coulter that the cleansing begins soon, and the Reavers shall be fed on the screams of anyone with overdraft charges.”
And, while alien robots infiltrating all levels of our government is clearly the fault of President Obama, he refused to surrender hope in the face of the eminent doom of our species, reminding a crowd of 250 at a fundraiser last week of the time during Nixon’s administration when a portal to Hell was opened and thousands of our best and brightest students were sacrificed in order to bring Beelzebub into our plane of existence, only for humanity to be saved at the last minute by a plot device. The President then called upon Michael Bay, Jenny MacCarthy, Sarah Palin, and other American geniuses to step up to the plate and offer some solutions to us in this dark time. So far, only scientists have responded, but the American public never listens to them.
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